Forgiving myself

It's that season that brings either joy, excitement, sadness, exhaustion and mostly the exhale that you survived another year.

So many people I have spoken too have come out worse for wear from 2019. They have been through so much pain, so much struggle and when there appears to be light at the end of the tunnel, it just turned out to be a little glow bug that was just shinning light out its butt.

My favorite quote this year is "It turns out rock bottom has a basement."

What I have seen this year is people wanting to be better versions of themselves, wanting to live their best lives, wanting to write their stories and wanting change their worlds, and make this year a better year than the one before. What I have seen on this journey along side them is also the lack of self forgiveness. The self talk that we inflict on ourselves is often the most brutal, and the worst part, we live with that person day in and day out.

Self forgiveness to me is the gateway to being the better you.

Everything I have personally been through has reached a pivotal point, it was forgiving myself. I forgave myself for the poor choices I made, poor self care mentally and physically, uneducated and educated choices I have made. I forgave myself for putting others first, that meant I depleted what I needed to survive in the challenges the world gave me.

As this year nears it's end I would like to talk about an exercise I cherish that can bring closure closer and in return hope, to the year ahead.

What you need -

Pen, paper and honesty.

Find a quiet place, a place that feels safe and calm. There are two letters you will write.

Letter one -

To the young you; the child you; the vulnerable you; the dreamer you; the honest you.

This letter is letting the younger you know that everything that has happened has bought you to this place; this letter. That everything you have been through has lead you to this moment. That everything is going to be ok. That you know better, that you are doing better and wanting to be better. That you have done some amazing things and you have loved and been loved during your life. That you have learned, you have battled through, and you have risen each time. The letter is a declaration that you are becoming beyond whats happened to you, more than whats broken you, and more than the hurt and the weight of choices that if different your path would be different too. It's the promise to child you that its going to get better and they can trust that you've got this.

Letter two -

The other is a letter to you now and letting you know that you truly forgive yourself. The story of how you got here and no matter what has occurred you truly forgive yourself. You make peace with what is now the past, it can't be changed but it can be the platform small or big that you push forward from and walk the path you need too.

Then during the evening burn the letter, watch it disintegrate and let it go.

The place I found at most peace in my rebuild is in forgiving me. And so often is the case that the people who hurt us, won't or can't provide us with the apology or explanation we need. In searching for why's we often go down the rabbit hole looking for reasons, of why this happened to us. The harsh truth I have found in chasing the end of the rainbow is I never find the elusive pot of gold. I find more whys' more hurt and more pain and torment. And often I have found in asking the person who hurt me why, and they look me in the eye and lie further despite the truth in my hands. Or fob the question off displaying no accountability or concern.

In letting go of the fight, the pain, the hate, the attachment slowly dissolves. By no mean does it fix anything, I am not that naive. But in letting go and forgiving myself it helps me make peace with my involvement, my burden in carrying this experience and it helps me see the details in one place. To write the story and see the pain in front of me means I can channel it to its core in one letter or in several. It stops the spin and misdirection and directs it to the visual place I can see and in turn feel.

So if the only gift you give yourself this year is to forgive yourself; I truly believe that will be the greatest gift you could give.

So bye for now; me xx