I was...I am

I have been wondering this past week what topic I should start my blog with. Then today being a confronting emotional day; its my inner loss I'll start with.

I was a strong, brave, kind, patient and a big dreamer, goal setter and decision maker. I am today and have been for longer than I am comfortable with, lost, a shell of who I was and so out of touch with joy.

How did I end up here. The most significant thing to happen to me this year has been the big life changing move to Melbourne from NZ. During today's epic meltdown on a park bench in Docklands all before morning tea (go me on holding it together for 3 hours today) I said to my self 'I am' then I said 'I was'. Wow this was a moment, as the ugly crying started and I ran out of fresh tissues and started reusing the old ones and they were disintegrating on my face as the moisture would not stop.

This move was supposed to be with my partner but 11 weeks on I am here still by myself. So herein lies the issue. I was a strong independent woman. I can hold my own, write my own epic stories for my life and rule my world. But loving and waiting on someone to catch up to you is clearly soul destroying and destructive. I have started not making decisions because I don't know when he will be here. He was supposed to follow roughly 6 weeks later. As of today there is still no date. As a result I have found comfort in being alone as I cant bear to be around people. (Netflix please oh please up load new series and movies faster.) I lack empathy and patience. I am unattached and melancholy. I am numb. I feel like I have one foot out the door in everything I do, in case he is a no show and I have to move on alone and start afresh. And Melbourne wouldn't be the place that I'd stay as I am here because he said he wanted to be, and that he wouldn't be far behind.

So as I regroup this evening and wonder how to hold it together tomorrow, I know decisions need to be made and courage will be needed as I plan a way back to me. The 'I was' me. The me who had passion for life, me who had goals and a drive to succeed and be extraordinary. I liked that me, I liked her contribution to the world and joy she experienced in the small things, like a green light, a smile from a stranger, a larger pour in my wine glass and little wonderful surprises in the neatest way. I notice now as things appear grey the small pleasures aren't happening and my gratitude is non existent. I have found comfort in darkness, a comfort in loneliness and an emptiness where me should be.

So for the 'I was' for now I will

1. Start my gratitude list again. All the things that make each day a lighter shade of grey as I move to a world of vivid color again.

2. I will do one special thing for me a week. This weekend I will go to the movies and have a whole box of popcorn and an ice cream and have first world problems of eating the ice cream first before it melts, while my popcorn goes cold.

3. I will start making plans for me and he will catch up or he wont. I can not let his procrastination and lack of urgency hinder my progression forward, or keep me in a grey world.

4. I will continue with my blog as it brings a small joy in a way to bring perspective as I type away, and reconnect with myself.

So bye for now me xx