So we meet again

I would often refer to my self as an over achiever and this instance is no exception. The speed in which I raced for rock bottom and hit it like there was a level below bottom even surprised me.

The past few weeks have been some of my lowest. I cried every morning when I woke up, I cried driving to work and cried myself to sleep. When I wasn't crying I was either boiling intensely on the inside, with such a rage, or I was so emotionally numb, indecisive and unable to relate to the world. I didn't have a middle ground.

The descent to rock bottom when I look back on it was not without its flashing neon light saying 'rock bottom this way' the dramatic music and the big dull slide that only went down towards a big dark vortex.

But when you reach a darkness that is fulled by lack of motivation, self sabotage and self pity, the comfort that provides, is better than confronting yourself and rebuilding.

I have visited rock bottom twice before, each time feeling very different and each time the rebuild came in different ways, each taking different tools and time to gather myself together.

The weeks of heading for the bottom and then hitting bottom was confronting in many ways. My friends, family, and partner were reaching out checking on me and asking how I was. I had shut down and cried to my mum and just said I didn't want to talk to my friends and lashed out at my partner. And work I was functioning barely, I was present but could not perform my job like I should.

It took being confronted about my behavior and held accountable to make the push for the surface. It hurt to be told I was being unbearable, that being so dark was impacting those around me. That I was the once who could turn it around. That is something the dark place can shade you from, your impact on the world.

Being reminded of this and being told you need to be better for yourself and those who love you is such a huge thing to hear. It has also been the turning comment in each of my Rock bottoms.

I am a true believer in rock bottoms being the rebirth of people. It has for me each time. It takes bravery, strength and so much courage to get up and face each day, to pull yourself together and go front the world. You are never the same after each battle to get off the bottom. I have found I am stronger in myself, more resilient, more aware of my boundaries, my intuition and my self acceptance. I am braver, kinder more empathetic and a better person to face the world.

So rock bottom while the down hill slide or race in my case is dark, debilitating and outright miserable. The push for the surface rebuilds a new version of myself each time. And each time I like this newer version of me. She is braver, more aware, and more in tune with what she needs to tackle the next phase of her journey.

So my final thoughts on rock bottom. Once you hit the bottom pushing up is one of the toughest things you can do, but is undoubtedly one of the most rewarding, not only for you but for those who love you. It is rewarding it is courageous and it is heroic. It is scary, it is hard but it is something you will measure and look back to as a point in your life, you became the new version of you. Be proud of you each day. Getting up, brushing your hair, showering, putting on the face to go see the world. Be proud of those who love you and be thankful for their time and effort in checking on you. And if you are watching someone hitting the bottom, empathy, accountability and encouragement along with consistency in care and check ins will help. But if someone is making you truly worried about their state please seek help from one of the many organisations to help ensure their recovery is safe and positive.

So bye for now; me xx